Blood Knot [11.11.08]

seeking something i know not what
and trying to leave i know not what
behind ..

Cause' i'm spinnig in circles trying to understand all
this
and i climb for freedom
i'm climbing towards something
that has no substance ...
and i'm trusting God that he'll lead me
that he'll hold me
when i fall ..
but the only person who will look at me
when i have dirt on my face
is the one i hide from

in medical terms ..
i'm sick ..
sick of the hatred
a small hole that eats at my heart .
all the lies , broken promises , and hate
combine into a knot
and it rests in my heart
and every time my heart beats
and beats
and beats
this knot grows
and grows
and grows
and it flows through veins
and pumps through my blood stream
until i'm shriveled up into
this ball of knots
or will the day come
that i will just explode?

what if i end the growing
of this anxiety
because i am dead
with this "thing" alive inside in me
and it'll just mean that
i won't have to reveal the truth by
myself ..

maybe if i just turn away
so that your faces aren't
in my presence
if i just twinge and
hide away
this knot will fade ..

what if i could
rip my body apart
and reveal the true blood
that circles in me
the blood you gave me ..

i think if i just
pretend
if i just forget that
nothing actually happened
and if i plaster this face on
say words that just please you
and if i smile and laugh
to the point where i am high off of this drugg
called misconception

or i could just scream every single thought
and call it poison ..
treason
crime
and beauty
so lovely
cause the truth is what you wanted
or was it what i wanted
cause this started out about me
and it ended up to you ..

this knot that you control ..

why ..

seeking something i know not what
and trying to leave i know not what
behind ..
i leave behind something i know not what
at the price of hiding this knot ..
and i seek something i know not what for strength to reveal this knot .